Talk to the house

Have you ever seen something that defies "rational" explanation?

I have.

Back in the early 90's I shared a house with a co-worker and her two little boys. The house was a nice, normal little 3 bedroom, 2 bath home on a quiet street in a decent neighborhood. It didn't happen too often that I was home alone, but one Saturday afternoon I was delighted to find that I had the house all to myself. Roommate and kids were out of town for the night. I was expecting company but they hadn't arrived yet. Ahhh, blissful quiet.

It was late, late in the afternoon and the remnants of the sun's rays were coming through the windows at the back of the house casting long shadows and tinting everything a dark golden orange hue. I had been watching something on TV and hadn't gotten up to turn on a light yet, even though it seemed to be getting darker by the minute. I was curled up on the sofa, completely relaxed and comfortable, with a blanket on my lap.

As evening crept in, the colors in the room gradually shifted from the warm golden glow of the sun to the cooler grays and purples of the nighttime spectrum and these tones were further enhanced by the blue glow from the television.

After a while I was startled to notice a whirling shadow, which I immediately identified as the ceiling fan over the dining room table. It took me only a moment to realize that it shouldn't be on. It hadn't been on. I know this because even without the circulating air from the fan I was snuggled up on the sofa with a blanket. I got up and went over to the switch on the wall and saw that it was in the "off" position. Curious, I flicked the switch "on" and then "off" again and saw the spinning blades begin to slow down. I remember thinking that was odd but really, we hadn't lived in the house very long and who knew what odd quirks there might be. I waited for the fan blades to come to a complete standstill and then I turned on the light, went back to the sofa and sat down again.

About 20 minutes after I reclaimed my position on the couch those same swirling shadows caught my eye again and this time I was alarmed by the thought that we must have some faulty wiring in the house. I remember getting up, flicking lights on and off and plugging things into random outlets all over the house. Everything appeared to be working correctly with the exception of the ceiling fan, so this time I made sure that the pull chain on the fan was also in the "off" position. I couldn't imagine how that could make a difference, since I had clearly seen it stop and then begin again, but I figured it couldn't hurt.

This time it stayed off and I made a mental note to mention it to my roommate. We would need to speak to our landlord about it and have him take a look.

Not long after, I heard water running in the master bath. Believing it to be just an air bubble in the pipes, I expected it to gush for a second and then stop. But it didn't stop. Now, I'm not talking about a trickle or even a slow steady stream. This was a sustained sound, in the tub, just as if someone had turned on the tap to get the temp just right in preparation for a shower.

I got up and hesitantly went into my room (the master bedroom was mine). By now I was halfway convinced there was someone in the house who was messing with me and I'll admit I was scared. I crept through the bedroom, checked behind the door and quietly looked into the closet. Nothing. Meanwhile, the water was still running. I knew I had to go look.

I took a deep breath and peeked around the door frame. There was no one there. By now I was quite unnerved and before doing anything else, I ran through the house, checking under every bed, in every closet, the laundry room - everywhere! I checked all the doors and windows. The house was locked up tight and I wasn't any happier to discover that.

Quickly, I went back into the bathroom before I lost my nerve. I stood looking at the tub for a moment, searching for an answer. I'm a very logical thinker and so after a moment I convinced myself I was just being silly. Surely, the washer on the faucet was going bad and some extra pressure in the line could have caused the water to turn on. I clearly remember thinking that we really needed to talk to the landlord first thing in the morning.

I reached for the handle and before I could touch it, I watched it turn. Off. By itself. The flow of water simply and completely stopped. I stood there, blinking stupidly, not comprehending what I had just seen. I couldn't think of a single explanation. I couldn't rationalize it away.

Stunned, very excited, and a little bit nervous (I'll admit it) I went back out into the living room. I slowly turned in circles a couple of times and then, me being me, I took the direct approach and spoke to the house.

I said something along the lines of "Ok, so now I know you're here and clearly you know that I'm here. I have no problem sharing this space with you, and as long as you leave me and the others who live here alone we'll leave you alone. Deal?"

We lived in that house for a total of 6 months and not one additional weird thing happened there. Make of that what you will.

Lights Out for Rubik's Cube - Office Noir

Her name...was Rubik's Cube. No, that wasn't the name on her birth certificate but that's what everybody called her, you see, myeah. They called her Rubik's Cube because, just like the children's toy, she was always spinning office proceedures into new configurations - nothing that really made any difference, you see, but tweaking the little things, always tweaking. Things like who does what and where they do them. Watch this person do that thing and then sign a form saying you saw it. Copy these, close this, leave that open. Every week, new proceedures and none of it mattered in the long run. Well somebody got tired of all the new proceedures and decided to do something about it. It was lights out for Rubik's Cube.

That's where I come in. I'm a gumshoe by the name of Nightshade. Luna Nightshade. I used to be a cop and I still got friends on the force, you see. Detective Milo Durante came to see me this morning and he said, "Luna, we got trouble. I need your help."

I never could resist the big lug so I told him to have a seat. I poured two fingers of cheap bourbon for each of us and lit a cigarette. I knew if Milo was here things were bad, real bad, so I asked him, "Whatcha got, gorgeous?"

He took a long moment to stare into his glass and collect his thoughts. Meanwhile, I was looking him over. His hair and suit were rumpled and when he looked up I could see there were dark circles under his eyes.

"I'll cut to the chase, dollface. We got ourselves a murder and I need some answers, answers I can't get for myself, and I need 'em quick. It's a high-profile case and Sarge is really in a fix about it."

"Who's the vic?"

"Woman by the name of Rubik's Cube. A real ball-breaker from what I hear. She died away from the office but we think we have ample cause to suspect her co-workers. No one saw anything and no one is sad to see her go. I don't want to tell you too much. Let's see what you come up with.It's a real tough case, I tell you, myeah."

"What exactly do you expect me to do about it?"

"I want you to go undercover. I can get you in there as her replacement. I want you to make friends, put your ear to the ground, see what you can see, you see?"


The next morning I showed up at the office wearing a big smile and a business suit with a skirt that showed off gams a mile long. I figured I'd start off with a big bang working on the men. It's easy for a pretty woman to make friends with men, and I'm no slouch in the looks department. Women are harder. They know the tricks. I figured I'd get the men on my side and then go to work on the ladies.

It didn't take long to come up with some suspects - the deceased wasn't known for playing nice. Yeah, she had enemies. No wonder the boys in blue weren't getting anywhere with this case.

First there was Captain Caribou. Of course that wasn't his real name but what you might not know about caribou is that they're dumb as rocks and that summed up The Captain pretty well. I soon learned that he was nursing a pretty big grudge, too. See The Captain has this hobby that he loves more than he likes his job. Seems "The Cube" found out he's been persuing his hobby instead of tending to his duties from 9-5. She was threatening to snitch on him to the big boss.

Next, there was the dizzy blonde everyone calls "Huge!" She's anything but, but that's her catchphrase. She says it all the time. Well, "Huge" just learned that what she's been skating by on isn't enough. The Cube wants bigger, better, more and "Huge" is feeling the pressure. It ain't pretty.

The last best suspect was a harried young assistant. Hard-working and well-liked, she was affectionately called "Do-Girl" by her peers because they recognized she was always being pulled in too many directions by upper management. They were always after her to "do this, do that." Her friends tried to help but she was feeling the stress.

That night I contacted Milo. Told him what I'd found. He told me to drop a few hints that I'd heard a rumor the police were keeping a close eye on a suspect. He said I should watch the three prime suspects closely. Maybe the guilty party would start to sweat.

So that's what I did and the results were wild. Before the end of the day the police station had 6 "confessions." One slashed breakline, one shot through the living room window, one case of arson, and three poisonings. They all confessed because none of them knew the actual cause of death. Any of them could have been the real killer. All of them had tried. Yeah. She had enemies. And they turned her lights out.

Halloweeeeeeeeeeeeen!

I have to wonder...Does anyone in the entire world love Halloween as much as I do? I feel such a rush of excitement and pleasure just thinking about it...and I think about it a lot!

I spend countless hours all throughout the year looking at websites devoted to my favorite obsession. Costumes, special effects makeup, haunted attractions. Ghosts, zombies, assorted cryptids and my hands-down favorite, Vampires!

Scary movies, darkly haunting music, books that keep me up late at night -you name it. If it's dark and spooky or mysterious, I want to wallow in it.

I can trace the birth of my profound interest in scaring and being scared. It was Scooby Doo. No, don't laugh, it's true. Think about it. Even the lyrics still thrill me to this day. "While Scooby Doo is running from a spooky ghost..." (happy shivers)

As a little kid with a predilection toward all things dark, this cartoon was like crack for me and it's still my favorite after all the intervening years. Each week Scooby and the gang had these grand adventures with all of the creatures that I find so fascinating. Imagine being chased by a wolfman! Hiding from a mummy! Tumbling down a ski slope to evade the abominable snowman! Holy crow, what a rush. I still want to be Velma when I grow up.

So yeah, Halloween is a big deal. A couple of years ago I hooked up with the local theatre to work behind the scenes on their annual haunted attraction-style fundraiser, Stage Fright. What a fantastic experience! A dream come true, really. I helped create life-size mummies, destroy and paint grisly faces on babydolls, find props, decorate sets and do makeup for the zombie curse-themed walk-through haunt. I even got to make up some E-VIL clowns for the funhouse maze, ah-hahahahahahah! I can't tell you when I've had so much fun! I'm so greatful I had the opportunity because that was the last year they put on that event. (Now they've decided to do the Rocky Horror Show every year instead. Maybe I'll audition this year - who knows.) The biggest problem - for me, anyway - with that decision is that now my beloved home town has NOTHING remotely scary going on during "The Season" and my merry band of ghouls and I have to create our own brand of fun. (More on that in a future blog.)

Like a little kid, I look forward to the big day all year long and every year I experience a profound sadness and sense of loss on November 1st - what will I do with myself for another whole year?! Nobody I know quite understands - they try, but.... Thank God for the internet and social networking sites - those places are full of like-minded freaks and I fit in there like it's old home week. Those folks are just as excited as I am in the weeks leading up to the hallowed evening and just as depressed as I am when it's over. So...we gather in cyberspace to celebrate - and bemoan our fates - together. It's therapeutic.

To the non-initiated, today is "only" June 8th, and Halloween is likely not on your radar at all. But we, the children of the night know that it's ONLY 145 days left till the most exciting, splendiferous, terrorific day of the year! Got your costume picked out yet?